Tuesday, 21 December 2010

The Diary of Lamb Fank ....

18th November 2010 - Day 1
This has to be a first! I am a sheep and I’m actually writing a diary .... coooool!  Not only do I shed my own wool but I am genetically bred to be literate, to have an appreciation of the melancholic genius of Del Amitri lyrics and to have strong opinions on the subtleties of test cricket.
I live in the uplands above the Firth of Forth in West Fife and weigh 65 kg ... though horrifically, I’m pushing 70 at the moment.  Worse still my wool is growing and making my bum look really big. Otherwise, I’m feeling good and have lots of girl friends I can relate to on a spiritual and deeply emotional level.  I love life, though this does not constitute a contract and I may decide to end things at any time for no apparent reason.
19th November - Day 2
Feeling a bit odd today ... restless .... tense.  My mind calender reckons The Master of Disaster (our “shepherd” - Michael ) should have supplied a boy sheep to me by now.  He constantly disappoints me and needs to seriously up his game.
20th November - Day 3
At last - Boy Sheep supplied for my delectation. He is semi-gorgeous, though not exactly Brad Tup-Pitt.  However, he is kind and generous with his love ... albeit his chat needs work for him to be “The One”.
26th November - Day 9
Sorry for not writing for a while.  Been a bit busy. Mind elsewhere.  Boy Sheep bores me and I am ... like ... sooo vanilla about him.  He is a bit of a dog anyway .... God, I hate him ... he is dead to me.
27th November - Day 10
It snowed yesterday which was nice ... makes my nose tingle when I bury to eat the grass.  Boy Sheep really getting on my nerves.
28th November - Day 11
Still snowing. Feeling a bit peckish.  Burying to get at grass becoming tiresome, I prefer grazing without the foreplay, if you know what I mean.  Which reminds me ... Boy Sheep is potentially the biggest loser in the world.
2nd December - Day 15
Two feet of snow and not a lot to eat apart from rushes - the culinary equivalent of cardboard spread with doggy do-do, for sheep.  Boy Sheep doesn’t understand me - I am putting him in my mind box and shutting the lid forever!
10th December - Day 23
This is getting ridiculous.  We have a crap weather sandwich: Layer of snow - layer of ice above the luscious layer of grass ... I can almost touch it .... thinking about drilling for it.  Have to rely on His Uselessness to provide pityful morsels of hay.  Its bloody freezing.  Only plus point is Boy Sheep looks knackered and well ugly.

Me with my girlfriends.  He-Who-Can't-Be-Named is second from the left .... PRAT! 
15th December - Day 28
I am seriously thinking about giving this lark up.  Taking the “four feet in air” life-option.  If I were carnivorous, I could probably eat a horse.  My favourite colour is green and my favourite organic compound is cellulose .... please provide it to me and my friends (NB this does not include Boy Sheep) timeously!!
20th December - Day 33
Someone, somewhere is having a laugh!  This snow is like the sheep equivalent of water boarding and should be outlawed worldwide.  The big bum syndrome is no longer an issue.  Not weighed myself recently but as diets go this snow has been overly effective.  I have told my girlfriends that talk of Boy Sheep in my presence is totally banned or I will look annoyed.
I am stopping this diary as it bores me and I don’t have the strength any more.  I have decided not to have babies next Spring ... I don’t want to be reminded of their incredibly awful father.  Enjoy your Christmas dinner in the warmth.  Looks like me and 49 friends and one complete plonker will be spending it hungry, cold with occasional annoyed looks and resultant awkward silences. 

1 comment:

julesandtim said...

1) Never believe a sheep---they are all pathalogical liars (any fool knows this)
2) This particular ewe is also very short sighted - the ram is a superb specimen, he has a long tail which is a sign of impecable breeding