Two Missed Meals from Revolution ....

It is 2030. Simon Cowell is Prime Minister, elected via the red button on everyone’s remote .... Ant and Dec stay in No11 and manage the nation’s finances in an amusing, laddish way .... most importantly, Scotland have just won the Rugby World Cup .... again (its getting embarrassing now).  I am still writing this blog and have now managed to attract 12 followers ... though of these, two have fallen into deep comas due to reading too much dull and weird internet content.      

The price of land has reached £100,000 per acre.  The UK sheep flock has reduced from 15,000,000 to 650 (and they are all mine .... still on seasonal lets).  Land is owned primarily by merchant bankers, horsey folk and businessmen, not of UK domicile. As a result of the land price, agricultural rents need to be £3,000 per acre but profits on that acre are still only around £100.  In most sectors we have to import 95% of what our population consumes (but most worryingly, 100% of all Kebabs).  All fertiliser and oil are China’s by international law and we have to make do with used chip fat ... luckily everyone is force-fed chips now to ensure their early demise, so that pension costs are kept low.

Liquid farm subsidy has been invented so land “users” / subsidy junkies can just administer it directly through intramuscular injection and thus save bank charges.  The last farm tenancy awarded was in 2015 and people refer to it with the same deference as the last person to be hanged.  There are a few people trying their best to produce food but mostly land has become a great way of 1) retaining wealth - with the help of fiscal policy (Ant and Dec are quite happy with this as they own most of Northumberland) - and 2) having REALLY big gardens.

But all is not well.  For it was foretold by the Great Sayer in the year of our Lord, 2009 that there would be a Perfect Storm in 2030. Formerly know as John Beddington, the Great Sayer was taken as an idol by a ragged band of agrarian militants. He foretold what has now happened: that the increasing world population  - now standing at 10 billion - would mean a whole series of other events would come together: water shortages; energy shortages and .... food shortages.  The smelly, ragged militants argued that land should be accessible to those who want to farm, innovate and drive efficient production ... they weren’t the same people as the merchant bankers, horsey folk and businessmen, not of UK domicile .... daaa!  No one listened. Agriculture stagnated and declined. The Great Sayer was last seen, wearing placards predicting the end of the world, drinking meths and shouting a lot, at Kings Cross Station.  

In 2012 the crack band of agrarian militants were sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit (and for words, they couldn’t spell properly or put in the right order). These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the rural underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as shepherds of fortune. [OK I plagiarised this bit].

But the foretelling has come to pass.  Due to a comprehensive transport strike by the damned French there is no food ... at all ... not even the nut based chocolates in the Quality Street tins.  No one had any breakfast today (apart from those that had once bought a packet of All Bran and then thought better of it) and everyone has had to miss lunch too.  Shops are being looted, cars set alight and we march toward Holyrood and Westminster with revolution in our hearts and just a little All Bran in our bellies (the latter does necessitate longer “rest” stops than normal).

I’ve sent this message via my new time machine, Blogspot application - I wish I had it before.  You need to contact the militants, you need to tell them to try harder this time, they shouldn’t get self-conscious about boring people.  It may seem dull and unimportant all this, merit based progression and the importance of land accessibility, waffle ... but one day .... this day, in 2030 ... when revolution looms and Simon Cowell’s life is in danger ... it will be the most important thing in the world. 

Good luck .... you’ll need it.  Lots of love and hugs

Michael (3 year old trapped in a 61 year old body) xoxo